We had been on a long walk and were relaxing outside with a tea and a coffee (me), when unexpectedly and dreadfully, we heard the shrill Whee-Whee-Whees. We were under attack. The House Martins were seeking out their target of a prime roof apex for their nests. They came in waves, checking out half a dozen properties in an organised mission.
My legs launched themselves indoors for my phone. "How to prevent nesting" I searched for. We had roof work planned and once a nest is built it is illegal and wrong to remove a nest. We tied a white plastic bag to the window latch and pushed open the window. Slowing drivers glanced, scratched heads and chins in thought.
Still the birds came, even threatening to enter the bedroom. We opened another line of defence. Three unfortunate CD's were dumped from their cases and hung out of the window. The reflections were meant to put off the birds on their final approaches. Walkers stopped in their tracks to see what sort of a party we were advertising, others were more interested in the musical choices I'd made, but still the birds came.
We dashed to a DIY store and bought a roll of chicken wire - heavier than it looks! The goal was to create a shape to wedge into the apex to prevent access. The game(!) went to extra time as a dozen times the shape fell to the ground and I had to follow like an obedient Labrador. Never will I throw a stick for a dog to fetch again!
It was beginning to develop into a horror film set. My wife's face became zombie-white and misshapen against the glass after I swapped places after nearly spiralling out of the window after another failed try. In a terrific impersonation of Mary Poppins, she used an umbrella at arms length and crouched, then jumped the final three inches and squashed the 1-foot long cylinder into place while I hung onto her clothes for the ultimate revision of health and safety procedure.
I wanted to give her a congratulatory kiss for her excellent final minute goal finishing but her face was covered in a white powder so I left it at a back slap which I only just managed to plant as she left the room leaving me to re-roll the chicken wire, perhaps as a tricky or a barbed consolation prize.
NE
